The Maggid of Bergenfield

Vayishlach: The Merger

Bereishit 34: 1-31

 

To: Simon Levy, President of Software Is Us

From: Gunnar Bragason, Chief Operating Officer, Web Kings of Iceland

Re: Merger proposal

Dear Simon,

It was so nice to meet with you last week at our headquarters in Reykjavik. I hope you enjoyed your stay with us and had a pleasant time in Iceland. I’m so sorry that our capital city doesn’t offer more in the way of kosher food, but hopefully we were still able to—how do you Americans say it?—show you a good time.

I hope that our merger offer intrigued you. I met with my board, and on paper our two businesses would be a perfect match. Your software applications and our web platform would be a formidable combination. I believe that together we could become an industry leader in medical analytics online.

In our meetings, you and your staff seemed pleasantly surprised by the stock swap and revenue sharing proposals that we floated. My accountants and money people tell me that we nailed it just right, and that you would be crazy not to jump at the opportunity to merge our companies at the earliest feasible date. As for our brick and mortar assets, I don’t foresee any problems with each of us maintaining our physical offices but swapping personnel as would be necessary. To put it more colloquially, my office would be your office, and your staff will be my staff. I believe that would be the nature of any full merger.

Most of the conditions that you set in order to proceed seem doable, including almost all the contract documents you sent us. Your Chief Financial Officer has been a pleasure to work with, and my staff has had only good things to say about all our interactions.

There is, however, one condition that you specified which is somewhat of a problem for us, and that is the whole circumcision thing.

No one here at our operations in Reykjavik understands why you would want all our male personnel to be circumcised in order to merge our companies. Circumcision is not common here, and so it took us all by surprise.

I understand that in the United States a vast majority of all men are circumcised. I have read that the statistic is well over eighty percent. And certainly, among Jewish men I understand that 100% are circumcised. But still, I see no reason that this should require my staff to go under the knife.

I checked with our benefits department, and it turns out that circumcision is considered an elective procedure here in Iceland and would not be covered under our health insurance, requiring a significant out of pocket allocation. But even if it was covered, it would not sweeten the deal for us.

The fact is, I have surveyed my staff, and other than Henrik Bunell, the head of our research department who has multiple body piercings and more than his share of body art, no one was interested in having the procedure done, despite their warm feelings about the merger and about your company.

I did a Google search to see if there is any precedent for such a request, and the fact is that no business merger that I can find has ever required anything of this sort to be done in order to join two entities. The only past example I could find was from the Old Testament, or what you would call the Five Books of Moses. In Genesis chapter 34, where Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite has improper relations with Jacob’s daughter Dinah. Shechem then desires to marry Dinah, and Hamor proposes a merger of sorts between the Israelites and the people of his town.

I believe that it is then that Dinah’s brothers state that they will agree to the merger and a full unification of their assets, provided that a similar circumcision clause to the one that you proposed is fulfilled in its entirety. The text clearly suggests that their proposal was not in good faith from the outset.

Now I understand that Dinah’s brothers were upset, but I believe they may have acted rashly. I suppose that perhaps cooler heads might have prevailed over time, had they sat down and negotiated, but alas, that was not to be.

Much to my surprise, Shechem and Hamor agree to the merger and convince the townsfolk to follow their lead. Those Israelite women must have been extremely attractive.

It is then that the story goes south. Three days after the Hivites get circumcised, two of Dinah’s brothers, Simeon and Levi, go into town, and shall we say, engage in a hostile takeover. It is not a pretty scene.

Simon, I am sure that your offer was not made with malice. Certainly our interactions have been nothing but amicable, but still I’m afraid that your surgical stipulation is problematic. To be frank, as much as we would like to do business with you, the circumcision clause is a deal breaker.

Perhaps my staff would be more receptive if you requested an ear piercing. Just a thought.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely, Gunnar

Vayetzei: Hanging Out

Bereishit: 28:10-16

As Burt Sosovsky hung from the roof of his house in Allamuchy, New Jersey, holding on to the cold metal edge of the gutter for dear life, far from the ground, a few thoughts should have run through his mind.

He should have thought about his wife Clara urging him to call Gutter Busters to clear out the leaves that gather in the gutters every autumn.

"You are an excellent accountant!" she said. "But handy you're not. The thought of you working on a ladder does not do my heart good."

At least he wasn't working on a ladder anymore. It lay on the cement patio of his lovely backyard, far below him.

Perhaps he should have wondered why his wife did not respond to his hysterically calling her name for the last five minutes. Maybe she was on the phone or listening to music. Or maybe she was trying to teach him a lesson--perish the thought! Strange things run through your mind--or don't-- when your life is in peril. He would beg her forgiveness if he survived this ordeal.

Or maybe he should have thought about how much he loved his family, or even how from this lofty angle it was crystal clear that the bushes in the backyard definitely needed trimming.

And yet, the only thing he could think about was the Rabbi's chumash class from last night.

It was not a wholly outlandish thought. The rabbi had spoken about a ladder, although not an adjustable aluminum garden variety like the one he anxiously eyed far below him. No, the Rabbi’s ladder was more holy.

Rabbi Abramowitz had spoken about Jacob's ladder--that is, the ladder in Yakov's dream when he was leaving Canaan to flee from Esav, his brother. But it wasn't the ladder per se that made him think of the class. It was the Rabbi's point that he made about it.

Burt could picture the Rabbi's class very clearly--perhaps it was one of those rare moments of clarity one has when his life is in mortal danger, like seeing your entire life pass before your eyes. Rabbi Abramowitz had spoken about the place where Yakov had his dream. The midrash suggests that the dream occurred at Mount Moriah, where the Beit Hamikdash would eventually be located. Other commentators, including the Sforno, state that the place of the dream was the town of Luz, a place which had no special spiritual significance before Yakov passed there.

So what difference does it make? To Burt, as he dangled by his fingertips, the interpretation made a big difference. According to the midrashic interpretation, Yakov had the dream in a place of great holiness, thereby explaining the presence of angels ascending and descending a ladder. That is why Yakov exclaims "G-d is in this place and I didn't know. This is an awesome place." But according to the Sforno, Yakov is saying something completely different. He's saying, "Wow! Here I am in Luz (a place of no unusual distinction that may or may not have had a lot in common with Allamuchy) and G-d is here. I guess that means that G-d is everywhere, and anywhere can be holy.

That was definitely a consolation to Burt at that moment. As he hung from his gutters contemplating the end, he wanted to believe that G-d was everywhere, particularly in his back yard. And although it may not have been a place of distinct holiness, perhaps his creator might be there to preserve his tenuous existence. He really wasn't such a bad guy.

"Clara!"

The patio door slid open, and out came Clara.

"What? Oh, will you look at that!"

"Thank you G-d. Thank you , thank you, thank you."

Clara may not have been a group of angels, but at that moment he was extremely glad to see her.

"Clara, the ladder. Help me, please."

"Burt, honey, light of my life, reason for my existence, we live in a ranch house. You're like five feet off the ground. Just let go."

Burt looked down. It was much more than five feet. He couldn't just let go.

"Just trust me. It will be fine. Just let go."

Burt squeezed his eyes shut and let go. The drop was brief, and he did not seem to have broken anything, excluding his pride.

"Gutter Busters," Clara said with no obvious tone of irony. "Google it." She walked back inside and slid the patio door closed.

Burt stood alone among the backyard shrubs.

"Wow! G-d was in this place and I had no idea."

He scooped up the ladder and carried it to the garage.

 

Based on: Unlocking the Torah Text, Rabbi Shmuel Goldin, Bereishit, What Place? Pgs 151-156.

 

Vayera: The Cup Runneth Over

 

Bereishit: 18: 1-9

-I'm speechless.

-Really, you don't like it?

-No, no, I do. I've just never seen anything like it before.

-Isn't it something?

-Yes, it is definitely something. But what is it?

-It is a sixty cup silver kiddush wine fountain.

-A what?

-You know, you pour the wine in the top and it pours out into all the little cups underneath.

-Yes, I know. I've seen an eight cup kiddush wine fountain before, and I've heard of a sixteen cup fountain, but sixty cups?

-Yes, It's five tiers of cups. Four, eight, and three rows of sixteen.

-I can see that. But sixty cups!

-Yes, they're sterling silver. The whole thing is sterling. And those sculpted grapes and vine leaves are unique to this piece.

-It must have cost a fortune.

-Actually, it was two thous-

-Don't tell me how much it cost. I thought it was a gift.

-It is a gift. It's for you and the rebbetzin.

-I can't accept this.

-Of course you can. The money is nothing to me, and it's the perfect gift for you and Shira. I had to order it special in Jerusalem and have it shipped to Elizabeth just for you.

-But why?

-Because it represents what you've done for our shul.

-I give out wine to the congregation?

-You're kidding, Rabbi, right?

-Yes, to some degree. Yes. But I still don't get it.

-Do you know how they say Avraham Avinu had a tent with four open sides so that he could always receive guests?

-Yes, I know the story.

-Well, as I'm sure you know the source of the story is obscure. A midrash? It doesn't make a difference. The tent is wonderfully symbolic of Avraham's incredible hachnasat orchim, his outrageous hospitality to strangers. When the three angels came to visit, he served them despite having recently been circumcised. That's some mighty fine hospitality. And that four cornered tent? It's the perfect symbol of his kindness.

-I agree. The tent is fantastic.

-And that's what the fountain is, Rabbi. It's the symbol of what you've done for our community.

-I know I will regret this, but how so?

-Since you and Shira joined our community less than two years ago you have hosted almost every family in the synagogue. That's a lot of chulent and gefilte fish.

-True.

-And a lot of grape juice. This fountain is the modern symbol of all of your amazing hachnasat orchim. It's your tent.

-Wow. That's very kind of you. Very crazy, but also very kind.

-Thanks, but that's not all. It's also the symbol of all the Torah you've spread among your congregants, one small drop at a time. It adds up, you know.

-Again, so very crazy and kind of you. But can I ask you a rather practical question?

-Of course.

-You can only use the kiddush fountain for sixty cups. It pours out every spout. As hospitable as you think we are, we have never hosted sixty guests in our entire lives.

-True.

-So what are we supposed to do with it?

-I figure we should bring it to shul and fill it with grape juice for the big kiddushim. The kids will love it.

-Interesting idea.

-And think of the hit it will be if I crank in some single malt.

-You really have thought of everything.

-I try.

-But I'm afraid that last idea is out of the question.

-Yes, Rabbi, I knew you would say that.

Toledot: Of Parsha and Ping Pong

 

He became suspicious when he won at thumb wrestling.

Ari had never beaten Shira at thumb wrestling. Never. Not once.Then he beat her twice in one day.

The same thing happened with ping pong. He had once defeated his older sister when she played lefty—one arm literally tied behind her back, as she had always threatened-- but only that one time. Otherwise she was a ruthless competitor. She didn’t just win; she would shut him out if she could. And slam the ball across the table like her life depended on it; and that was at 20-0.

One time when she was crushing him in racquetball, 15-1, Ari said to his sister: “I thought you said we were going to have fun today.”

“This IS fun,” she said as she smashed another shot off the wall toward his cowering body.

Then today he beat her in ping pong 21-8. And Shira seemed fine with the loss. It was eerie.

In their second game, when he was up 10-3, he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“O.K., what gives?”

“What do you mean?” Shira asked innocently.

“I think you’re letting me win.”

“Why, that’s ridiculous!” Shira said. “I would never do that. You just happened to win fair and square.”

Ari studied Shira’s face and could tell she was lying (that was the way he managed to beat her in board games like Stratego and Mastermind; she was a terrible bluffer).

“Come clean Shira, I know when you’re prevaricating.”

“Pre-what?”

“Prevaricating. You know, dissembling.”

“Come again?”

“You know, fibbing.”(Ari had a prodigious vocabulary, though he stank at feats requiring manual dexterity).

“Are you accusing me of lying?” Shira said, closing the gap between them until she was right in his face.

Ari thought long and hard before he answered this. He was ten years old now, but his older and much bigger sister was not beyond beating the proverbial snot out of him. Still, sometimes you just have to take a stand.

“Yes, I guess I am,” Ari said, bracing himself for the physical onslaught. “You’re a big, fat liar. Pants on fire and everything. I could never beat you in ping pong unless you let me. And forget about thumb wrestling.”

Shira stayed right in his face for a few more seconds and then crumbled.

“O.K. you got me. I let you win.”

“Shocking stuff, Shira.”

“I know, right?”

“So what gives?”

“It’s this week’s parsha. It just got to me.”

“Toledot? What is it, that Dad likes me better?”

“In your dreams, short stuff. You know I’m his favorite.”

“Yeah, as if. So then if that’s not it then what is it?”

“It’s the whole sibling rivalry thing,” Shira said. “Yaakov comes out grabbing Esav’s heal. Yaakov buys the first-born rights for a bowl of soup. Each parent has a favorite. Yaakov, after being counseled by his mother, steal’s Esav’s blessing. Esav vows to kill him. It’s just too much for me.”

“So you let me win at ping pong?”

“Yup. I figured I need to tone down the whole competition thing. I don’t want to build up resentment between us. If we can learn to coexist now, maybe we can avoid problems later in life.”

“You mean like me coming with a force of hundreds of men to greet you in the desert and you sending me lots of gifts to appease me?” Ari asked.

“Well, first of all, I would definitely be the one with the four hundred men, and you would clearly be the one sending me gifts. You are SO the one who sat studying in the tent while I’m out in the field hunting.”

“True enough,” Ari agreed.

“But yes, that is the basic idea,” Shira said. “I don’t want to constantly dominate in everything we do. It’s going to cause resentment. I want us to always be close. So I figured I would let you win.”

“That’s a very nice sentiment, Shira, but I don’t think you have to worry about it.”

“And why is that?”

“First of all, I don’t mind that you beat me in ping pong, thumb wrestling, racquetball, skee ball, and every other sport. It just makes me try harder. And it makes me appreciate the areas where I’m better than you.”

“Like what?”

“Like vocabulary, spelling, math, Monopoly-“

“You are so not better than me in Monopoly!”

“Whatever. You get my point. I’m sure that Esav being a good hunter and a man of the field spurred Yaakov to study even harder. And when he eventually wrestled with the angel, I’m sure he was a better fighter because of his big, strong brother.”

“Interesting idea.”

“Thanks. There’s also another point to consider.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m only ten. I still have a lot of growing to do, and someday, I’m going to crush you like a fly in ping pong. So you had might as well win while you still can.”

“In your dreams, pipsqueak.”

“I believe that time and genetics are on my side.”

“There are things that can be done about that.”

“I shudder wondering what you could possibly mean by that.”